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Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
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the real love of my life...mr. Montgomery Clift, if it was the fifties...
we would be married....
<33
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Friday, January 28th, 2005
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 ahh, isn't it romantic.....
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Monday, January 10th, 2005
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life is coming....and I'm terrified of it...I'm not the same person I was before I went to new york, I know your all thinking "it was just four days" but those four days changed everything inside of me, and I'm not the same person I was before I returned from new york, and had the biggest emotional, mental, nervous breakdown I've ever had...I'm changed, and I dont know what to think about it yet...I feel old now, and I'm scared, of my life, what to do with it, where am I going, I've been spending alot of time with jackie lately, and it's not like "wow, a new friend so I can ditched everyone else" it's more like "wow, someone with a new perspective" we talk about alot of things, almost every night this week we've just driven around the highway after 10 and just listened to music, and had such amazing conversations about life, and what we wanna do, and who we wanna be..and so many things, it's nice, to have someone new for once...I mean I'm not saying I dont like anybody anymore, but I just need this for awhile, I need a change, because I'm sorry but I'm not in school, and I dont live the same life as most of you, so most of the time you dont understand my problems...so I have to be around people who do, people out of school, people going into the next stage of there life...because I feel old, and I'm not getting any younger!
but just remember, I love all of you!
peace
"We turned at a hundred paces...for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time"
-Jack Kerouac
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Saturday, December 4th, 2004
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| Subject: | ..... |
| Time: | 2:58 am. |
| Mood: | thinking. | | Music: | The Zombies "Summertime". |
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not much to say man.....going to new york in three weeks...I'm so pumped!!!
my job sux...I need a shave bad...liking people is a dissapointment, not that I'm angry, towards this person, and not that I'm sad, in a torched way, but just that men have dissapointed me again, but you all know me, and everyone knows, that men are an addiction to me, and I will stop at nothing, to snag one for myself...
but for your information....I have one thing to say...
Closer!.............is an amazing movie, go see it!
peace and love
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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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Thursday, November 18th, 2004
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Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
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I dont mean for this entry to scare anyone...and I'm not writing it for sympathy, or your concern, cause I'm not looking for attention....but I just wanna say, that nothing is good anymore, my job, my life, my home, my heart, my mind....so sorry to say this but...if things dont start looking up by christmas, dont be suprised if you hit a detour while shuffling your drive-ways...
cause it will probably be me......
I bought Almost Famous today at the record exchange, it was only five dollars...and besides, I needed to see it, I needed to be by myself today to think and remember old times...and now I almost feel like I shouldn't have watched it...cause all it did was making me think of how sad I am...and how much this life sux...this life I didn't choose, the one with nothing I love left in it, nothing to look forward too...and it's like, I cant even fucking talk to anyone anymore...because besides one day a week, which I have to see everyone, including my best friend...I'm working, with people I cant stand, who dont understand me...a supermarket full of thug kids who dont have any idea who I am...or what I feel, or what my soul can do...and that's sad!
And when I do get days off...it's just me sitting around, alone, with everyone out working...or going to school. And every five seconds it's someone borrowing money from me or expecting me to give it to them...and when I'm like "sorry I cant" there like "I can pay you back...and who always used to give you money?"
Everyone treats me like shit....and I'm sure everyone else gets treated like shit...but there always surrounded by people and loved ones...and I know it sounds untrue...but I never am, most of the time, I find comfort in myself, but I dont even find it there anymore...and I dont know what to do...I'm sure alot of you dont have any idea of what I'm about to say, except anne but...this isn't a good time for me to be constantly alone...and with noone to talk to...cause chances are...one morning you might find me under your snow...and what then?
peace and love
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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
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| Time: | 7:02 am. |
| Mood: |  calm. | | Music: | The Shins "Pink Bullets". |
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I was listening to the shins all day the other day, and crying, because almost a third of the cd is sad, and very ironic...the words speak to me in a way I cant explain. I got payed this week, my money was gone in two days, cause I have a spending problem, but I bought some good stuff...
Things I bought:
Le Tigre's "This Island"
X-Ray Spex:Anthology (been in an old punk mood lately)
Black Visored Winter hat at tellos (hahah) it's warm.
5 shirts from savers
Jacket from Savers
Scarf from savers
Big Shades from Newbury Comics
Things I wanna buy:
Donnie Darko Soundtrack (there is one right?)
Garden State Soundtrack (even though I still have to see it)
Valley Of The Dolls VHS
Bob Dylan tickets (even though I'll prob. miss that one)
Some old folk cds
Zombies: Greatest Hits
Simon and Garfunkel cd
New winter coat..or maybe a dungaree coat
These hot shoes from "Aldo"
Movies I suggest everyone watch:
Donnie Darko (even though almost everyone's seen it)
The United States of Leland
Saved
Movies I wanna see:
Garden State
The Dreamers
Suspiria
Birth
The Notebook
Ray (I love Ray Charles)
that's it for now....I'm going to New Jersey in Dec. now instead...but I hope that boy will wait for me...cause I wanna see him really bad...
peace and love
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Thursday, October 28th, 2004
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Some of you might think that this is a stupid post, but I just wanted to say that Patti Smith's new cd came out two days ago, and I'm pretty sure I'm getting it...I get so excited whenever she comes out with a new cd, cause it reassures me that she hasn't faded yet, that she hasn't retired, because I dont want her to retire until I have a chance to either meet her, see her live, or witness her magic. Ms. Smith, if you can here this...you complete me, that's right, you ms. thin white!!!
<Peace and Love
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Thursday, March 25th, 2004
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I just wanna say one thing...I'm not gonna update this for awhile, or maybe I am, I'm not fucking sure yet...so calm down you freaks, hahahahahah, all I know is that I'm gonna become really bad....and do bad things, cause I'm bored with being good!!!
Peace, I guess!
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I really need anne to burn me "at the drive-in" I'm really getting into them...and I must say, even though I dont overly enjoy emo, I really like that new Dashboard song, it's farely good, and plus, he's so hot...supposedly they have helped design a car now, a Dashboard car...I think, or maybe they just did the art work, supposedly he's a big art fanatic based on his colorfully designed tatoos...I dont know, I just got this information on the Guide Channel while "Chapelle Show" was on a comercial. I fucking love the Chapelle show, it's by far one of the most offensive, and hilarious shows on the tElE now. I love how he says "Bitch" at the end of every joke, and last night they had a skit about puppets singing, to teach kids of today about things like dirty siringes, STDs and money going to waste...one of the puppets even shot-up before he started singing to them, and then passed out half way through the song, only to wake up a moment later foaming at the mouth...OMG!!! it was hilarious. Well, it should be a fun filled weekend, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, but me and anne are hanging out with Katie on friday, and I also want to go chill at ross's house again so we can finish watching the AbFab dvd's, cause that show is "piss-your-pants" funny. I'm gonna go now...you all have a nice day, cause in anne's words..."Times a waistin'!" haha.
Peace Mutherfuckers!
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Sunday, February 29th, 2004
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I know I promised I wouldn't update unless it was my story...but I cant help myself...I was thinking up a poem off the top of my head and this is what I came up with...
"They say were destined, but are we all just here by mistake...hanging on to the passing breaze, letting the wind blow us into the direction of gentle passers meant to fill our hollow existence. I feel sad but, there are no tears, the sun dried me up...I'm just waiting now, waiting for the frost to evaporate my skin, and flow down the beat up street, covered in black paint...guiding me through the street light winding path...like a trail through spring's forest, and a gallop of exhale falling into Autumm, I'm sorry my love, I seemed to have skipped winter's bows, but caught summer's opening ballet...and I'm still cleaning the sun's shoes, rinkled in dust..."
Wow, it's three in the morning, and I dont know, but that's when I come up with crazy things, but do my best writing...
Peace...the road, america!!!
"Two drifters, off to see the world, theres such alot of world to see!"
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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Ok I'm just gunna put up some beat type poems I wrote last night while thinking about california and being on the road and while listening to joan baez...here they are...enjoy!
"It's All Happening"
There was a ticking
the ticking doesn't stop
Come back, Come back to the top
"How's The Bottom?"
"Hey man, let yourself go!"
Stick out your thumb
and let the cars dance in the breaze
I love the sun, but still would love to fly...
Are we already flying?
Can you take my hand
Oh lord, guide me home...
Close your eyes with me
the tapping,
the tapping stopped!
Close your eyes and tell me honestly
"It's All Happening" Tap Tap Lord, Tap...
Here's the other one, which is just weird...
Do you love
Love Love
Love Freedom
Love Lovers
Love Loving
Love Peace
Imagine the road
filled with these things
bundled in sunlight
grazing the edges of your skin
hear the music?
listen closely
I'm going, you wont know when
I Love
I Love Love
I Love Freedom
I Love Peace
Bundled in union
come together, and discover
what life has given, but not shown the way to...
well that's it, that's all I wanted to say, those are my poetic thoughts on the subject!
peace man....15 months till the big one!
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Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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Yeah I'm not updating, I'm just telling you all that my journal is going to be friends only now because people keep leaving bad comments in my journal, anonymously and it's making me mad...so from now on, if you're not my friend, then dont look at my fucking journal...OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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I dont know what to say, I just wanted to update cause it's late and I'm bored...anyways, I'm not gonna like Valentines day at all cause the day makes me sad, cause for as long as I can remember I've been alone on that day...I thought that I wouldn't be this year, you know ALONE!!! but I am folks, I am. Anyways, me and anne decided that were gonna go on a V-Day rampage, running around yelling and screaming and ripping up everything pink and cute...go up to all the young lovers smooching and shit and yell in their face "Love sucks, get over, your gonna break up someday anyway!!!" haha...funny funny shit! Yeah dudes, I really need to get this Wave thing on the move, spread it around to all the groovy people in the area, me and anne always come up with the fucking best ideas...but if people I dont know or people I dont like start using "Wave" then I will be very upset about it! just kidding!
Anyways, I miss little matt, I wanna hangout with him and give him a big hug and say "Brother I miss you" cause I do miss him so much. I remember when he slept at my house and we woke up in the morning and just sat in my room sewing patches and listening to Blondie, oh good times good times! That kid is like family to me! Anyways, Dan? fucking beautiful pics, even though I know it's unfair that you dont have any of me, but when the fucking GREATEST PICS I'VE EVER TAKEN get uploaded you will be satisfied, and hopefully alittle wet! Yeah people, I am finally able to listen to the smiths again without crying...and I can listen to "William" without breaking down...well if I explained that story to all of you, you would be here for days! So I'll let you all get back to your lives now!
Peace, Love and Wave...the only three things I need in my life!
Groovy!!
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Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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Yeah, I'm sorry but this needs to stop, going on my sn and putting your own sn on my buddylist so that I'll know when your online is kinda stupid, and besides you doing that tells me who's on my sn now, so that was a dumb move, or telling everyone that I'm an asshole isn't going to change anything...and hanging out with maria again when you were the one who claimed to hate her is just stupid, I know your only hanging out with her because your angry, and that's not cool!
But anyways, I dont care what you do anymore, but when it starts affecting me, that makes me mad, your doing things to get my attention which is kinda elementary school shit! but if that's the way you want it, then fine, I'm still not gonna waste my time starting another dramatic, three month battle. Just get over it!
Anyways, sorry everyone else, I just thought I'd make that annoucement to the person who knows who they are! But anyways, I need a new boyfriend, cause I was single for so long and know that I am single again I'm not just gonna sit and wait for something this time, If I have to I'll get myself out there and become a slut! HAHAHA just kidding you groovy people! but here are some awesome "Berlin" Wave(new wave) lyrics to read and cheer up with...
WORLD OF SMILES
(J. Crawford)
I'm thinking
Faces changing pictures come to mind
Try to change the subject
Sensation
Stare reveal me, still I want to know
Capture time in a photograph
Well I say "how do you do"
Shatters my mirrored view
If only your lie would disappear
Why don't you plaster your face
Then I just might believe
I'll crack you open, smash you down
I repeat
Your mad charade
This s. R. Game you play's a freeze
Indifference
Greetings and smiles
You've got yours now I've got... Mine
I've got to swallow your pride
Shallow men hear no rhyme
Furniture shifts as you walk by
Why don't you look in my eyes
What do you see in there
Plastic melts in a world of smiles
I'm laughing
Hurt me, hurt me, now the joke's on you
Satisfy your conscience
Stop talking, stop talking
Tear me open and leave me here to bleed
Cut me up, cut me down to size
"Commotion in the Ocean!"-B52s
Peace...
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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Hey everyone, it's getting warmer out, Yeah!!! anyways, really wanna check out "Berlin", there an awesome wave(new wave) band and I'm gonna try to buy one of their CDs cause I heard em and there fucking awesome...have a nice day people, and follow the road, wherever it takes your stinking asses...HAHAH!
Peace Doowaps!
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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
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Yeah, hey everyone...I decided that I'm gonna update my journal, but I had to think about it alot because I'm not gonna continue to update my journal if PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are going to abuse it like this and leave stupid comments that I for one could give a shit about, cause I really dont fucking care what people think...I'm not gonna stop with the hippie shit, if people dont like reading it, I'll just increase it!!! so anyways,
Things are going well I guess now, me and megan have this really good idea that for the summer, me her and anne will go down to the cape and get jobs there and maybe get like a motel or hotel room that we can rent out for the summer! who knows if this will work out,we'll see. I mean we had this idea last year and it didn't work, but you never know!
Well that's all, oh yeah, and remember people....just IMAGINE PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
well, that's all folks
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Sunday, January 18th, 2004
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Yes everyone, I have come to a strange place in my life...the thought of whether or not I need hospitalization is a big thought running through my exhausted head right now. All I really know is that I am constantly plagued with headaches, fits of paranoia, dizzy spells, trouble sleeping, deep feelings of sadness, and most of all constant crying and exhaustion...I thought these were just symptoms of depression but now I feel there is alot more there, something I need to fix soon or I am afraid for my life! I told my mother last night, well actually I sat outside smoking and writing her a letter of my true feelings towards my, well what I would call at this point, my illness! I told her I either need to go to a hospital, which I think is a bad thing, but if neccassary I will go...or to send me somewhere for awhile, just a short vacation-anything! I cant be here anymore because there is too much sadness here...weighing down on my already bruised heart! I thought maybe I could just deal with it and get over my problems, but I cant anymore. I have this friend, this awesome girl bekki, I think her name is, she said I could go stay with her in New York, NYC. But I dont have any money and my mother would never go for it, even though that is the place that would make me feel alive again...because I might be alive here now, but I am slowly but rappidly, dying inside and I'm not sure what to do with it anymore. I used to be such a lively person...what happened!
Imagine peace...deep inside you but making you sad!
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